Because love, actually...

...is all around.


"You don't know how lovely you are"

As always, late-night talks with Amy are wonderful and enlightening; she's so brilliant that you can't walk away from a conversation with her without knowing a little bit more about yourself and how you fit into this fucked up-yet-somehow-incredible world.

Anyway, I was reflecting upon our conversation and I remembered that she said something about females being really critical of each other and it occurred to me that that's why I've had so many more guy than girl friends. She's right--girls with tear. you. apart. But guys? They don't judge. They don't size a person up by her weight or her clothes or her hair. If a guy thinks a girl is fun to be around, then that's it--that's all that matters. He doesn't care if her body is model material or if she wears clothes from Abercrombie & Fitch or if her hair is long and blonde. So guys have their flaws (ha! we won't go there, right?) but I can't help but to imagine how much more beautiful the world would be if we all acted like guys--for once!--and stopped the superficial, critical judging. And maybe then would we actually be able to love and accept ourselves, too.


Holiday Favorites


  • Christmas music EVERYWHERE!

  • Tree ornaments & decorations

  • Guaranteed AT LEAST two days off of work AND school (11.27 & 12.25)

  • Planning & making gifts

  • Hot chocolate

  • Christmas lights

  • Reindeer and gingerbread men = cute!

  • Wrapping paper & bows

  • "How the Grinch Stole Christmas"

  • Gingerbread houses

  • Beanies

  • Tights

  • "Home Alone 2"

  • Christmas cookies in tins

Teaching 11.25.08

  • Always keep in mind: it's about THEM not you!

  • My three super smart/willingly responsive/eagerly engaged students = love

  • Earrings (from Claire's) and necklace (scrabble pendant from Etsy) compliments

  • "Hey, I saw you at the candy store at the mall!"

  • After the activity, they wanted MORE puzzles to solve!

  • PB & J - obsessed kid

  • "You're my favorite, and not just because you gave us candy!"

  • Engaged and participating students = priceless :)


Survey says...

  • Favorite Thanksgiving food: green beans and stuffing (but not together, silly!)

  • One fashion you wish never went out of style: shoulder pads...JUST KIDDING!

  • Favorite piece of clothing: dresses and sweaters

  • 1st thing you do in the morning: pee, brush teeth, make coffee

  • Dream job: filling up my own boutique with all of my own creations, but being a secret agent would be cool, too

  • When you need alone time: I get irritable

  • Celebrity who personifies you best: Natalie Portman (except she's way more gorgeous but I adore her so it's all good)

  • 1 thing people wouldn't know about you: I love organizing but I hate cleaning

  • You? CrAzy.

  • 1st thing that comes to mind when you hear:

  • Model - thin

  • McDonald's - happy meal

  • bedroom - clean

  • men - unfair


but i'm okay, really

My stupid, stubborn heart--stop bleeding!
"Keep on keeping, keep on beating";
I know you're tired--weary and worn--
But there's something glorious in being torn.

You're a little bit raw and I'm a little bit mean;
Our arguments are swollen and our conversations are lean.
Your sympathy was staged, your care an act;
Bitter words have been spent and cannot be taken back.

I wouldn't let you speak and you wouldn't let me breathe;
There was no extracting the poison that boiled beneath
Our skins nor was there any removing the angry darts
That flew like daggers to rent our bodies apart.

When everything hurts and you, my heart, ache,
I'm a mess of flames but it keeps me awake.
You incite searing pain but that's a pleasure I will;
I'm in love with feeling, which you, heart, instill.


Wedding Inspirations

I was slightly bored at work yesterday morning...

Giant chewy Nerds = giant chewy fun! :)

Yay! Christmas Peanut M&M's!

I don't personally like gummi bears, but these mini gummi bears are the cutest!

gumballs, my favorite!

Ok, these are the most massive jawbreakers you will ever see! It's a mystery to me how people consume them...I suppose it's a how-many-licks-does-it-take type of thing!


The most worthy

I cried myself to sleep last night, a conflicting tune of life and death painfully screetching in my mind and stabbing at my heart.

I've known for perhaps about a year now that the brother of a close high school friend has been going through cancer treatment. Yesterday, another friend texted me to ask, "Did you hear about David's brother?" I had not and told her so. Did I hear about David's brother? "Dead" immediately popped into my mind but I quickly smothered that notion with optimism. Even so, waiting for a reply felt like a thousand unsteady years. Her text finally read, "They sent him home [from the hospital] to be with his family when he passes away." Doctors found more tumors and couldn't stop the bleeding inside his body. Let me emphasize here: cancer is destroying the body of a 20-something-year-old-just-out-of-college-engaged-with-his-whole-life-and-dreams-ahead-of-him man.

I tensed at the thought of his pain but I also breathed a tiny sigh of relief--there's still time. Time to show him I care even if I don't know him well, time to show him how wonderful life can be (perhaps he already knows?). I vowed to find a way to show him love and peace and beauty, anything to inspire him in his [final?] days.

I believe in miracles and I know that if it is God's Will, this man will be healed of the tumors and the bleeding will stop. But what if it is God's Will to let the cancer take over? Suddenly nothing seems important in comparison of this man's life and death. Nothing else seems worthy of my respect or time or thoughts. So where do I draw the line between mourning and respect? How long should I be sad? It feels like I should be sad forever and nothing less would be appropriate or complete. But it then it occurred to me...this is how God is using this man's situation--to show the rest of us foolish people how truly delicate and fleeting and precious life is. As death sits so close that its presence seeps into your body and tears you apart from the inside out, when it's an unwanted guest who refuses to leave or let you forget, it's then when you remember to live--truly, deeply, passionately live--and to say, "I love you", daily.

I pray for him, that God is with him [I know He is]. God, as love, saved our souls...and it's love, you know, that still saves our souls every time.

An odd little something that just grew out of my mind and onto a page:

i'm not alone
but i'm so alone--
in a world full of fake fruit
and boring cliches--
i can't find the people behind the motives
or the heart behind the deed.

i've been wishing all my life
[for what, i've never known and probably never will]
because what i am
and what i hope to be
are never the same
and will never meet.

the cold outside isn't worse that their deceit--
the cold inside is the child of their greed and apathy.
i've waited for a warm embrace from someone or somewhere--
a kiss, a smile, a touch to make things okay,
but perhaps "right" is only in my imagination...

and i cannot wait forever--
i'm done watching the world crumble
beneath absent love and gripping hate--
i'm not really alone, i know i'm not:
so i'll grab your hand, we'll make a move,
and we'll change the world
one daring verb at a time.


i was always too good at playing pretend

Somehow, while brushing my teeth the other night, I was suddenly nostalgic for my childhood and the most precious part of being a child--having such an infinite imagination.

Being a child is magical--everything is so full of possibilities and wonder, thanks to the imagination. I miss terribly that state of being a child, I miss my childhood imagination, I miss the art of pretending. When I was a child, my imagination controlled me in a way I could not escape, but I didn't want it to leave [ever] so it was okay. When I was a child, there was an elf lurking in every shadow, a prince hidden in every twinkling eye, monsters roaming the dark house at night...

Oh, to be in love with everything.

So shall we now take a few moments of silence for our faded childhoods?

Of course not.

We should dance away the rest of our lives, celebrating every moment like we did when we were children, experiencing each breathtaking day with humor and humility.

And for goodness' sake, it's okay to pretend; I don't care if he thinks I'm weird but I'm going to call him Boris and he can call me Natasha ("...I wasn't born for a world like this; was Smith? was Jones? were you?")...


Running from You is what my best defense is

I've never known what to do with myself
when I'm on that tedious and angry verge of self-destruction.
I've got to tear myself apart, tear my body and my mind and my heart [my soul might be salvagable] into a thousand crumpled pieces,
throw those pieces into a giant hat or maybe an ancient cauldron,
burn them, lose them, melt them, whatever.
I'm not myself and I hate everything that myself IS at the moment,
and there's so much I want [to do, to be, to help, to love, to inspire]
but everything I can/should/need to be eludes me, almost always.
I can't ever seem to reach even one apple from that branch way up there,
let alone a dazzling star in a dark, dark sky.
But I suppose it's the 'apple' that got me here in the first place;
it's that forbidden fruit that I so adore,
that forbidden fruit that gets me in trouble




Oh God, Oh God,
I needed You,
God, all this time
I needed You--
I needed You.

Ugh. I SO hate consequences.


an Ode to Ikea

Oh, Ikea, my darling and my dear--
I'm captivated by your unique offerings;
My heart swells with Swedish pride
When I walk through your palace of bright things.

Comfy couches and patterned chairs for everyone,
There're hedgehogs and turtles and polar bears, too.
I never need to leave your sanctuary of home inspiration--
I could spend forever searching your rooms, wandering through...

You play only Disney movies on the TVs for the kids
And there's a tabletop etched with every way to say "amor".
My favorite item currently might be your Spoka night light
or maybe even your side table Hatten or your chaise Kramfors.

So I may not be able to pronounce your product names--
Like Poang or Levksvik or Liatorp--
But thank you, good Swedish people, for your delicious pie
and your innovative, inspirational, and inexpensive decor.