What would y o u do if you had no obstacles?

i would:

• spend my days reading, writing, learning, drawing, discovering, crafting, creating [instead of working or stressing or doing crap I don't wanna do].
• open up a unique boutique full of beautiful crafts and oddities.
• TRAVEL -- Europe, Africa, Asia, Australia, South America, the rest of the U.S. and Canada (no need to visit Antarctica, thanks! :)
• get married ASAP.
• Act!...in movies, on broadway, whatever!
• eat "properly".
• have a daughter, Evelyn Claire Lockhart.

[what would YOU do???]

"You only live once, but once is enough if you live it right"

WHY I shouldN'T care what THEY/OTHERS/the freaking WORLD think of me:

[but it is hard for me to do this so a list of affirmation is in order]

• this is MY life, not theirs/yours/whoever's


• only GOD has the right to judge me


• very few people are special enough to understand me


• "If it makes you happy, it can't be that bad"


• being unique is beautiful


• i have ONE shot at life -- so I'd best not waste it on anyone/anything that is not worth it

[they might call me strange but that doesn't make me a stranger]

During the day, the Bull Runner is a crowded, never-on-schedule-when-you-need-it-to-be-in-order-to-make-it-to-class-on-time bus. But at night, it somehow transforms [maybe it's me who transforms from stressed out to calming down?...]. The darkness is there, outside, a reminder of "time to wind down", and we (the bus riders) feel safe from dark monsters because the lights inside illuminate our courage and ignite our inhibitions, throwing our worlds up in dazzling flames. We're strangers but we don't feel like it; soon the older white gentleman, the young black man, the pretty Syrian-turned-American woman, and I are conversing like good friends, the weight of the economy and the housing crisis and budget cuts searing our minds, itching at the tips of our tongues. We look nothing alike but inside we are not so different. For inside each large or little, pale or dark, able or crippled body is a heart, beating to the chorus of batting eyelashes and downtrodden sighs and love songs that are evidence of this human race.

how wonderful life is [when God is on your side]

Yesterday, November 4, kept my stomach in boy-scout-tight knots, the nervousness and excitement building up and finally exploding into a million bright-winged butterflies. Twice. :)

I shall explain.

Of course, the election has been on EVERYONE's mind; indeed, we could not escape the deadly grip of television ads, annoying phone calls, and negative commentary. So of course, the election issue was on my mind ALL day, but I've already discussed that (last night), so on to my next source of anxiousness/discomfort.

For the first time, I had to teach. A class of middle schoolers. Let me emphasize this: I.HAD.TO.TEACH.REAL.LIVE.MIDDLE.SCHOOL.KIDS. And if you're wondering what the big deal is, let me tell you that a) talking in front of a group is generally nerve-racking enough to begin with, b) not only did I have to speak but I had to develop a lesson plan and TEACH it, and c)middle schoolers will eat. you. alive.

HOWEVER, I quickly learned that these particular middle schoolers were not so evil...because they were merely [innocent?] sixth graders. Phew. But still, I am this small little person, trying to engage the attention of students who are practically as big as I am, and yet...

it. was. PHENOMENAL.

I couldn't believe it, I don't know exactly what or how it happened...but my methods teacher later described to the class of my peers that I had them "eating out of my hand", they were so involved and engaged.

And I couldn't figure it out...how did I achieve that? I'll admit, my lesson plan was pretty cool (it involved magnifying glasses and peanut butter & jelly sandwiches), but there were parts of the lesson that involved essay prompts and essay organization...I tried my best to include students in EVERY aspect of the lesson, to ask questions, let them do the explaining, to make the lesson as STUDENT-centered as possible. But I think it was also my confidence. I know. CONFIDENCE. Something I didn't think I had too much of. And yet, it was there, and as I stood in front of those eager little people (ha!), my nervousness suddenly dissipated, disappeared...and even though I didn't realize it at the time, I was teaching an effective lesson. Effective being the key word here. And yesterday was just one of those days where I felt like I knew exactly what I was doing and where I was going. It was a beautiful, rare day when I could reflect on this crazy life of mine and be thankful that it is what it is and that, hey, I can do this for the rest. of. my. life.

Oh, and one last contribution to my teaching success yesterday: prayer. Let me tell you, the thing works.

Not your average Tuesday...

History.

This day was/is/will live on forever as
i.n.c.r.e.d.i.b.l.e.
and nothing short of the word.

I am grateful to America,
to the people of America,
for restoring my hope in this place
I have always called home.

What a beautiful story it will be,
the story I tell my kids and grandkids [and great-grandkids?]
about America's victory
in the form of desperately needed change and reform.

And finally, after eight painful years
and 232 progressive years,
something really groundbreaking and profound
has begun
and

we

are

part

of

it.

He NEVER fails :)

[backtrack to 11.03]

i found a piece of the puzzle-answer to my pressing/oppressive questions/dilemmas: I was blessed with some inspiration today in the form of a magazine article. Part of my solution = "What you think of me is none of my business."

[God is ALWAYS there eXactly when I need Him]

But is it possible to keep calm and carry on?

is.this.all.worth.it.?

ah, lately they all tell me one thing, i feel a million different things, and there never seems to be a 'right' thing to do. as if you care or want to know [but who knows, perhaps you do?], here is my dilemma:

• first and foremost, i LOVE to create. any and everything, from cards to poems to dolls to jewelry to experiences to little tiny this-n-that boxes [and everything in between]. the problem here is, of course, time.


• money--grrr--is the second part of my dilemma; money is required for living in general, in addition to creating, going to college, and funding future dreams [like road trips and weddings].


• going to school is not exactly part of my dilemma [indeed, i'd stay in school forever if i could], but assignments add stress and time constraints.


• finally, work. i don't mind working, especially as the manager of a teeny tiny candy store, but how does this fit in my life? i don't plan on going into business or food services, and i certainly don't plan to settle for this job as my maximum potential. for now, this job has helped with my money issue, but is the stress or time spent there worth it? keeping the job means i make money [again, to fund various ambitions] yet keeping the job takes a lot of time [and sometimes--but not always--stress].

so at the core of my problem entails this question:

do i push through lots of hard stuff now, in hopes that i can experience some real good stuff later, or do i quit [give up?] to make life now a little [more or less?] happier?

*thank you for listening; your attention is sufficient enough for a bit of therapy...